Blehh. I'm so fat. =( I had a salad today (no dressing though.. and it's 15 cals PER BAG of salad...) and then I... snapped. I had a small handful of walnuts with a little bit of organic honey on them. =/ They were good. But not good at the same time. And now I have a killer headache. But I did walk for about 45 minutes today, half of the time walking against the wind, so that'll burn some of those nasty calories off, right?

Oh merde... I snapped. My mom made me eat some salad, and after that I had this 250 cal piece of cheese. It wasn't even that good. And now my stomach hurts like hell. And horseback riding was canceled tonight because of the weather (damn February!). But I'm going on a 2-mile walk tomorrow, no matter what the weather is. My mom thinks I'm going to go buy more apple chips (she thinks I like them haha). Right.... The whole thing's just an excuse to burn more calories. =)

=) Today was a semi-good day. My mom had a heart attack when she realized I wasn't going to eat any grains, meat, or desserts for the next 40 days (it took a while to sink in I guess), but I convinced her I'd be fine. Sadly, that means I have to eat eggs and drink milk now. =/ Not fun. So today, I had...

-An egg-70 cals
-Some apple chips-50 cals
-Vitamin Water-75 cals (haven't finished it yet, not sure if I will today.

But I have horseback riding today, so I'll probably be able to burn that off and more. =)


And I weighed myself today and I'm down to 123! EXACTLY 123! That's way better than the 124.8 I was at the past two days. ^.^

YES!!!!! Lent is awesome!

Today, I asked my mom if for Lent I could give up grains, sweets, and meat. And she said yes. That'll be easy of course, but that will also give me an excuse not to eat or to eat after they eat, so they don't notice that I'm not eating. My best friend really is Ana....


Just wanted to post that because I'm really excited about it. ^.^

Today was.... bad.

I had a Spanish review session after school today for the competition next Friday, and after that I walked to the mall (30 minutes, going the long way, which I did of course). At the mall... there's a chocolate shop. A really good chocolate shop. And I got a candied ginger dark chocolate thing from there... =/ I ate that as I was walking across the street to the bookstore, got some manga. Thought I'd be good. Wandered over to the shoe store, didn't find anything interesting though. But then I went to Starbucks. =/ Bleh.

At Starbucks, I got a spinach/feta/tomato/egg wrap. Gah. I don't even want to know how many calories that was. And I got a dark chocolate mocha frappe (190 cals), but I only drank 2/5 of it and tossed the rest. And I only ate half the wrap. So maybe it wasn't too bad? Then I had a cup of brown rice for dinner because my mom made me eat it. =/


Thankfully, I did spend 30-45 minutes wandering around the mall, mostly out in the cold. So that probably burned some calories. And all the stair climbing and rushing between classes at school... And tomorrow I have horseback riding, so I'll burn more calories then. =) And my parents won't be home for a while, so I can tell them I ate after school even though I won't of course. ^.^

Well, today was better. I had a 120 cal mango juice (thankfully, it was the last one haha). Then I had some toast + cheese, which was 200 calories because I didn't want to pass out while walking back from my piano teacher's house in the cold. Then I'll just run up and down the stairs a bit to burn more cals.

Yesterday my counselor said that I had amazing willpower because I said no to the cookies she offered me. =D Just wanted to toss that out there.


Amazing song though... Take My Life by Jeremy Camp. I love that song! And I Am Ghost... I got really ADD thinking about them during Spanish today because we were joking around about ghosts (some kid said "yo acabo de pasar por mi perro"... genius kid!). It was great.

Gah. I had to meet with my counselor today, and I told my mom I'd walk there. I did. 30 minutes in -7C weather.... Woo!!! And it was speed walking, so that probably burned more calories. Though I was still cold, it didn't bother me that much because I knew that it meant I was burning more calories than if it had been summer.

Sadly, when I got home my mom expected me to eat dinner. It was a pasta thing with cheese tortellini, artichoke hearts, broccoli, cheese, and some kind of dressing... Caesar maybe? Or vinegar... Either way, it was insanely fattening.

On the other hand, my jeans have been practically falling off me all day today, which is very encouraging! ^.^ Whooo!

And my mom said that I can walk back from my piano lesson tomorrow, which is about an hour or so. Imagine all those calories... And I won't have to eat tomorrow because my parents are going out for dinner, and my lesson ends at 4:30, and they're leaving at 5, so I'll get home after they leave. And I can go walk around more when they're gone and burn more calories, then just throw away some salad and smear some Ranch on a plate to make them think I ate dinner. ^.^

Hopefully my weight will go down now... I didn't weigh myself today, sadly. =/ But I'll weigh myself tomorrow! *Scared* XD

I just failed at life. =/

Intake today so far...
3/4 Starbucks frappe (about 140 cals)
whole grain fiber bread with a piece of cheese on top (I have no idea how many cals... way too many)

Gah! This is horrible. =/ I'm never letting my mom pick me up from school again. I had to eat so she wouldn't think I was anorexic. Except she's picking me up on Wednesday and a few days next week probably, since I have extreme cram/review sessions for the Spanish competition next Friday, and I don't really have another way of getting a ride home. Unless I walk... Hmm... That's actually really tempting... All those calories I could burn! And for the food thing, I could tell her I stopped off somewhere and got a snack or the Spanish teacher gave us food at the meeting....

Heck yes! That's what I'm going to do. =) I'm going to go ask her right now if I can walk home on Wednesday if it's not too cold.... (she'd freak if it was).

She said no because it might rain. =/ Bleh. I'll just go on a walk after my piano lesson tomorrow or something...

This is just a introduction... Hopefully this blog doesn't fall into the wrong hands (like my parents'... the horror!)...

So basically, I really want to lose weight. And not eating has turned out to be a good way of not cutting (I've been dealing with that on and off for about 2.5 years). =) I've lost about 7 lbs in the past week... So now I'm at 123.2. I've been about 130 for the past year or two. Oh God... that feels so weird admitting it to a bunch of people that I'll never know... And I'm 5'3", so that's a healthy weight for me. =)

My current short-term goal is 118. Heh... I have a BMI chart saved on my desktop as "anime" so that my parents won't look at it... here it is... It's organized as "weight-BMI, healthy/not healthy according to government"...

118.5-21, healthy

113.0-20, healthy

107.5-19, healthy

101.5-18, perfect

96.0-17, perfect

90.5-16, perfect

84.5-15, perfect

79.0-14, perfect

73.5-13, perfect

68.0-12, perfect


Yes, I replaced "underweight" with "perfect". Thin = perfection. =) I'm not sure how far down I can go though... My aunt got to 70 before she died. But I'm younger and stronger, so maybe I'll last longer. She was beautiful before she died. So thinspirational...


So my goal is to not eat more than one meal a day. And when I do eat, SMALL AMOUNTS. And nothing unnecessary. Necessary being enough to convince my mom that I'm not worried about my weight. =) Problem is... if I do start losing weight, and my mom notices, I don't know what I should say. But I'll figure that out later.


What's been really inspirational for me is reading blogs like this... So maybe I can add some more thinspiration to what's already out there!



I've decided I won't get on AIM at all until I reach 118. And no sweets, which are my biggest weakness. And each time I go down a BMI point, I'll let myself give in to my cravings a little bit for a day. But then I'll go back to restricting. Yes, I did get this idea from another blog. I would like to thank the owner of that blog for that wonderful idea. =)


Anyway, I'll post my intake and stuff on here... Inspiration... Progress... All that fun stuff. Hopefully I can do this!